Like I Loved You
by xbrightsidex
Summary: A short songfic to 'Like We Used To'. "Will he love you like I loved you?" A little hurt and a little fluff. AH
1. Sharing Pillows and Cold Feet

**Summary:** A short songfic to 'Like We Used To'. "Will he love you like I loved you?" A little hurt and a little fluff. AH

**Disclaimer:** Characters belong to Stephenie Meyer, lyrics to A Rocket To The Moon (even if I give credit for the song to someone else) :)

* * *

**Chapter 1 – Sharing Pillows and Cold Feet**

"It's so nice to have you home again, Edward," my mother smiled from across the table.

"It's good to be home, Mom." I leaned back in my chair, the same one that I'd sat in through my childhood and teens. All of my family had come to dinner to celebrate my return. I was happy to see all of their faces—even if Rose looked thoroughly bored, though that was nothing new. There was just one glaringly obvious hole in the group.

As if reading my thoughts, Alice looked up from her lap nervously. "Does she know you're home, Edward?"

My heart clenched for a moment, but I showed no outward signs of frustration. "Unless one of you told her, I doubt Bella's aware of my arrival."

I watched as most of the people in the room winced at my careless use of her name. Honestly, even I had to fight back the urge to choke on it as it left my mouth. _Nonchalance_, I reminded myself.

"I mentioned it to her in conversation last weekend," Rosalie said, eyeing me carefully, as if I were a bomb ready to go off. "She asked how you were."

I grinned, though I knew it didn't reach my eyes. "That was kind of her. I hope she's doing well." I had to get away before the pain got the best of me. I stretched my arms above my head before faking a yawn. "Well, I hate to be a party pooper, but I'm pretty tired. Jetlag, you know?"

"Of course, Edward," my father said, standing from his spot at the head of the table, signaling the end of dinner.

I accepted kisses on the cheek from my sister and Rose and a handshake from Jasper. When it came to Emmett's turn he gave me a bone-crushing hug and a forced smile.

I was finally able to escape to my old bedroom. As soon as I closed the door I fell back into it, letting out a ragged breath. _This is ridiculous_, I reproached myself. Here I stood, a twenty-six year old man who had just completed med school, still heart-broken over a year later. I shook my head, trying to rid myself of the emotions. I shed my traveling clothes and crawled into bed.

As I drifted to sleep, I noticed the picture frame that still sat on the bedside table. The memory of her smile haunted me as I felt my heart beat agonizingly in my chest.

.:*:.

_It's our first night in our new apartment. I can feel her breath as she's sleeping next to me. I smile, completely content in this moment as I run my hand through her dark hair. She stirs slightly, cuddling closer to me as she mumbles my name. My heart swells and I know that life will never be better than this, sharing pillows and cold feet with her in our bed._

_She rests her head on my chest. Her lips turn up at the corners slightly when she can feel my heart, fell asleep to its beat. I tighten my arms around her, pulling us under blankets and warm sheets._

.:*:.

I woke with a gasp, grasping desperately to the sheets on my left side, quickly realizing that it was just a dream. I fell back to my pillows and let out a strangled moan as I clenched my eyes shut, fighting back the tears.

If only I could be in that bed again.

I reached blindly into the bedside table drawer, pushing past expired condoms and science award ribbons until I felt the worn leather book. I sat up and turned on the small desk lamp so I could see at that early hour. I grabbed a pen and immediately opened the notebook to a blank page, hesitating for only a moment before I eagerly began to scribble down the thoughts in my head.

.:*:.

I was picking up food from the diner a week later when I finally had to face her.

"The prodigal son returns," she said from behind me. Her voice was sweet and low, almost drowned out by the noisy restaurant, but I'd know it anywhere.

The last time I had heard that voice was fourteen months and seven days ago.

I took a deep breath and turned around, putting on my best game-face. The sight of her nearly knocked the wind out of me. She was still the same beautiful girl I had loved for so long. Her chocolate eyes looked up at me, smiling. My heart beat erratically, trying to climb its way out of my chest and into hers, where it belonged.

"You look well, Bella." It was the only thing I could think to say without breaking down.

"So do you, Edward." The sound of my name on her lips caused my stomach to flip. I watched as she looked over the light blue scrubs I was wearing before meeting my eyes again. "So it's true? You've moved back?"

"That was always the plan," I said sadly.

The girl behind the counter announced that my order was ready, so I turned and paid her, giving her a smile with her tip, earning a giggle in response. When I turned back to Bella I saw her brow furrowed, bottom lip locked between her teeth. She seemed lost in concentration, though on what I had no idea.

I lifted my paper bag of greasy food and nodded toward the door. "I have to get back to the hospital."

"Oh!" she said. "Right. Let me walk you out."

"That's not necessary. I don't want to interrupt your evening."

"Not at all, Edward. I was just leaving, as well." She gestured for me to go, so I moved toward the door, holding it open and allowing her to go through before me.

I looked around the parking lot. "Where's the truck?"

She sighed desolately. "She died last year. Finally had to replace her." She held up her keychain and pressed a button. A shiny, midnight blue Sentra beeped, flashing its lights at us once.

"I can't believe it," I breathed, suddenly winded.

"I know," she whispered, pain lacing her voice. "I thought she'd last forever. Part of me died with her."

"I can imagine," I replied, not sure if we were still talking about the truck. "So many memories."

"One in particular," she mumbled. When I looked at her in shock, she smirked. "Oh, I know you know how we felt about that night."

I knew exactly which memory she meant, and I was about to make her elaborate when we were interrupted.

"Bella!" a male voice called out. I turned to see a burly, dark-haired guy coming out of the diner. He was dressed in a tailored suit and waving a cell phone in his hand. "Sorry, I couldn't get Joshua off of the phone. You ready to go, Babe?"

_Babe?_

"Felix!" she said, apparently caught off guard. "Um, sure." A blush rose to her cheeks as she looked down at the pavement.

I looked between her and the imposing guy whose arm was now encircling her waist. Her eyes were wide with panic as he said, "Aren't you going to introduce me?"

"Oh, of course. Felix, this is my . . . friend, Edward Cullen. Edward, this is Felix Kaplan."

"Her boyfriend," he added, holding his hand out to meet mine.

I wasn't sure whether I was meant to shake it or rip it off of his body. _Her boyfriend?_ The polite part of my brain moved into action as I watched my hand grasp his automatically, not even bothering to put any threatening pressure into it. "It's nice to meet you, Felix."

"It was good seeing you, Edward," Bella whispered as he pulled her toward the car, unable to meet my eyes. If she had, I'm sure she would have seen the heartbreak I couldn't hide behind my typical mask.

I hadn't realized until that moment that I'd still harbored hope that one day she'd come back, that she still loved me. But now I knew better.

_She had moved on._

I watched as she got behind the wheel and started the car, still refusing to look up. Felix gave a friendly wave from the passenger seat as she pulled out of the parking lot and turned onto the highway, heading away from town.

I moved toward my car on autopilot, getting in and setting the now forgotten food in the passenger seat. Instead of putting the key in the ignition, I dropped my head to the steering wheel, fighting off the panic attack that was starting to take over.

I tried, desperately, but I couldn't stop the memory from invading my mind.

.:*:.

_I push her back against the passenger door, shirtless, just her skin against the window. My lips cover every inch of her that they can reach, moving what's left of her clothing to get to the places that cause her to make those beautiful noises._

"_Please, Edward," she begs._

"_Are you sure?" My voice shakes, betraying my nerves._

_She smiles and touches her hand to my cheek. "I love you. We belong together."_

_I retrieve my wallet from my discarded pants as she removes the last of her clothes. I pull out the condom with shaky hands, trying unsuccessfully to tear the foil packaging. She runs her hands through my hair and I calm slightly, finally able to get the damned thing open._

_After a bit of fumbling I manage to get it rolled on. I pull her away from the door so that she can lie across the bench seat of her ancient truck. Settling between her legs, I move until I rest right at her entrance and look her in the eyes. "I love you, Bella. If it gets to be too much, tell me to stop and I will." She nods, her bottom lip caught between her teeth. I reach up with my thumb and pull it loose._

_Slowly, carefully, I push into her inch by inch, trying to keep my moans quiet while she's clenching her eyes. I feel her resistance and stop, unsure if I can purposely cause her pain, even though I want nothing more than to be completely sheathed inside of her._

_She looks up at me through her lashes, so much love and adoration, and I know that this is right. I push through, watching as her mouth opens in a silent cry, but she doesn't look away from my eyes._

_Once I'm all the way in, I wait for her to get used to me stretching her. It's the most amazing feeling in the world and it's taking every ounce of my being to keep from moving. When she finally shifts her hips experimentally below mine, I moan from the sensation and pull out almost all the way before sliding slowly back into her._

_I kiss her lips tenderly and look into her eyes. "Are you okay?"_

_She gives me a little smile. "I'm perfect."_

"_You have no idea," I say, and then move again, a little faster, earning a moan in response. The sound goes straight to my groin. We take it slow, but I know I'm not going to last much longer. I bring my hand down and start rubbing her, wanting her to get something out of this experience as well._

_Moments later she cries out my name as she comes undone. It's the single most incredible sensation I've ever felt and it triggers my release, her name rushing out on my breath as I drop my head to her shoulder._

_I gain control of my breathing and raise my head to look at her. A single tear escapes her eye and I panic. "Oh, God! Did I hurt you? I'm so sorry—"_

_She smiles. "No, Edward. It was just . . . it was wonderful."_

_I lean down and kiss her. And we both know that this is forever._

.:*:.

I stared at the steering column for God knows how long, not really seeing it. Eventually I felt my pager go off, reminding me that I was late getting back. I sighed, starting the car and pulling out of the parking lot. I looked in my rearview mirror—in the direction she'd driven—in more pain than I thought was possible.

It should have been me inside that car.

It should have been me instead of him.

Worse is that nobody had told me. They'd all left me in the dark.

.:*:.

The next morning found me on Alice's doorstep. She smiled brightly as she opened the door, but I didn't give her a chance to greet me. I pushed past her and into the foyer. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Good morning to you, too, big brother," she huffed. She closed the door and led me into the dining room. Jasper, Emmett and Rose all sat around the table, staring at me wide-eyed. Breakfast items were spread out in front of them.

"Edward!" Emmett smiled. "We thought you couldn't make it!"

It's then that I remembered that I had turned down the invitation to brunch. Food was the last thing on my mind right at that moment, however. I looked at each of them in turn before asking again, "Why didn't you tell me?"

"We invited you . . ." he replied, obviously confused.

Alice sat down beside Jasper. "I don't think he's talking about brunch, Em."

"None of you could have told me? Instead I had to run into _them_ at the diner last night, completely clueless!" I began pacing, on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

Jasper stood up and reached out to me. "Edward, why don't you just sit down?"

"I don't want to sit down!" I yelled, pulling away from him. "How long have you known? How long have you guys been keeping this from me?"

After a few moments of stunned silence, Rosalie spoke up. "She's only been seeing him for a couple of months."

"God damn it!" I grabbed my chest, the pain reaching new heights. I looked at Rose. "Why didn't any of you tell me?"

"We didn't think you'd care," she snapped.

"That's bullshit. Why wouldn't I care?"

"You haven't cared before now!" She pointed a finger at me. "You never asked, you never called, you never even checked on her! She always asks about you and you haven't spared her two words."

"Why should've I?" I seethed. "I have no idea what she told you, but _she's_ the one who broke _my_ heart, not the other way around."

Everyone sat quietly, looking between each other in shock. Even Rose kept her mouth shut, looking as if she had bit into a lemon.

Alice met my eyes. "We had no idea, Edward. She never said anything, we just assumed . . ."

"What? That _I_ was the bad guy? That _I_ dumped _her_ without reason?" My anger spiked higher. "Sorry to disappoint you, but that was her. Glad to know that you all thought so highly of me, though." I turned, heading for the door.

"Edward, don't go!" Alice said. She jumped up and grabbed my arm to stop me. "Please, don't leave like this." She wrapped her arms around my waist and put her head on my chest. "How were we supposed to know? She was an empty shell and you acted like it was no big deal."

"I had to," I whispered. "I didn't want to make her look bad, so I just pretended like everything was normal. Like my whole world hadn't shattered when she told me she was done."

She pulled me back to the table and forced me into a seat. A cup of coffee appeared in front of me as they patiently waited for an explanation. After a few calming breathes, I started at the beginning. I told them how she had started getting weird after the holidays last year, acting distant and spending less time on the phone with me. I had been so exhausted from school that I'd just thought I was imagining it.

"I finally said something when I was planning my trip home for Easter last year," I continued as Jasper refilled my coffee. "I was asking her if she wanted to visit Angela and Ben in Seattle but she kept changing the subject. I asked her what was wrong and she just flew off the handle. I was so shocked. I don't even remember half of what she was yelling. She said something about being tired of trying, that dealing with the distance was too much for her. She told me she needed time to think and hung up on me."

I explained how I had tried everything I could think of to get her to talk to me. I'd sent flowers, I tried calling, texting, e-mailing her for a week straight, all with no response. "Finally, the day before I was supposed to fly home, she e-mailed me. _E-mailed me_. Said she was done and not to contact her anymore."

"That's why you didn't make the trip," Emmett said quietly. I just nodded.

"You mean to tell me that she didn't even have the balls to tell you over the phone?" Rosalie fumed. When I didn't respond, she slammed her hand on the tabletop, knocking over a basket of banana-nut muffins. "The coward!"

"Rosy—" Emmett started.

"No," she said, turning a glare on him. "She cried on my shoulder and I didn't ask one goddamn thing. I figured she'd open up when she was ready. It's been, what, fourteen, fifteen months since that happened? And she just let us coddle her. Fuck!"

"Rose, it's okay," I said quietly.

"The hell it is! I'm the one that told her she needed to move on!"

I just gazed at her, numb, wanting to feel betrayed but knowing she'd acted on good intentions. "She would have done it eventually anyway. Better to get it out of the way now."

"I'm so sorry," Alice whispered. "We were all upset when we found out. You two were meant to be together."

"Too bad she didn't think so."

* * *

**A/N:** You like? Let me know. Constructive criticism? Send it.

Link to the song is in my profile.

Next chapter on Sunday.


	2. I'm a Sucker for that Feeling

**Disclaimer:** Characters belong to Stephenie Meyer, lyrics to A Rocket To The Moon (even if I give credit for the song to someone else). :) Additional songs belong to their respective creators.

* * *

**Chapter 2 – I'm a Sucker for that Feeling**

"Why did you tell him you were my boyfriend, Felix?" I asked, pulling into the parking lot of my apartment complex. My hands were still shaking as I pulled the key from the ignition.

"Why does it bother you so much?" he asked, suddenly defensive. "Are you trying to see other people?"

I gritted my teeth. "I told you when you first asked me out, I'm not looking for anything serious right now. It's not like I'm dating around, but we've only been casually going out for two months. You're not my boyfriend." I got out of the car and started walking toward my building. "We haven't even had sex, for crying out loud."

"Not for lack of trying on my part," he grumbled. I narrowed my eyes at him, causing him to change the subject. "Who was he, anyway?"

_None of your goddamn business_, I thought. "He's an old friend," I partially lied. "We've known each other since high school."

"Then why haven't I met him before? I met all of your other friends."

"He's been away at medical school. He just came back to Forks." Saying it out loud hurt worse than thinking it. I always assumed he'd want to stay in Baltimore after I let him go. He was so much bigger than Forks.

I stopped on the sidewalk, suddenly overwhelmed. "You should go home, Felix. I'm not feeling very good and I'm not completely happy with you right now."

"Babe," he said, making me cringe. I hated the way he called me that. He reached out and gently wrapped his hands around my shoulders. "I'm sorry. I just really want to be with you. Why don't we just take a deep breath, then we'll go upstairs and watch a movie. We can sit back, relax, drink a beer. It'll be great." He paused, but before I could respond he added, "As long as you don't put in any of those movies you talk and cry through. That shit's distracting."

I rolled my eyes. "Maybe another time. I just really want to be alone right now."

He sighed, obviously aggravated but not wanting to push his luck. "Okay, Babe. Give me a call tomorrow?" I nodded, then turned my face when he moved in to kiss me goodnight. He settled for my cheek and walked away.

I dragged myself upstairs. Once I was in the apartment I took off my shoes and walked straight for the entertainment center. I searched through my movies until I found the box for _Love Actually_ and put it in the DVD player. Grabbing the throw blanket from my Dad's house, I curled up on the couch and allowed myself to wallow in thoughts of _him_ as Hugh Grant's voice began its narration.

.:*:.

_Even though he's watched this with me a hundred times, I still pull on his sleeve. "Edward, look! Look!"_

_He chuckles, pulling me into his side. "I'm watching, Bella." He always lets me watch my favorite movies._

"_This is where she realizes he's bought the necklace for another woman," I whisper, fully aware that he knows what's going on. I can't help it. This is what I do. "Oh, God, poor Karen." I'm curled up in a ball as I watch Emma Thompson try to leave the room before she starts crying._

_Joni Mitchell begins to play and I can feel the tears welling up. As the first one rolls down my cheek he tightens his arms around my shoulder, holding me as I cry. I sniffle through the next few scenes, gaining my composure, when finally Colin Firth is walking through the streets of Portugal, searching for __Lúcia Moniz._

"_Watch! Everyone quiets down to listen to Jamie speak bad Portuguese!" I grin, looking into Edward's happy green eyes. He just smiles, turning to watch the movie again. How he can stand to listen to me tell him all of my favorite parts like a running commentary, I'll never know. Especially when I've seen it a million times._

"_I love you," I say, pulling his attention away from the movie. He shuts his eyes as I put my palm to his face. "Forever."_

"_And I love you," he replies. "I always will."_

.:*:.

I cried even harder than usual as Emma Thompson sagged to the bed. Of course he doesn't love me anymore. Why would he? I broke his heart because I was thoughtless. Because I thought I knew better.

Because I knew he could do better.

I couldn't bear to watch anymore of the movie, so I turned it off and shuffled to my bed, collapsing fully clothed on top of the sheets. That just made me cry harder, knowing that this used to be _our_ bed. We had slept in it together every night, made love on it as often as we could. And now I was alone with just my memories of him.

.:*:.

I leaned against our usual pool table, taking a pull from my beer. Emmett was racking the balls while Rosalie fiddled with the jukebox across the room.

This was our usual Saturday night ritual: beer, pool, and bad music at the bar on the southern edge of town. We'd done this almost every week since I moved back from Seattle after graduation four years ago, though then it had just been Emmett, Rose, Edward and me.

I winced a little when I thought about how he used to be a part of our gatherings whenever he was home from school. I'd been wondering all day if he'd be here tonight. That could be the reason why I'd been drinking at an increased rate.

I desperately wanted to ask if he was coming, but Emmett seemed to be distracted, drifting in and out of conversation with me without actually paying attention. Rosalie, on the other hand, hadn't said a word to me all night. I had no idea what was going on, but I hoped they weren't fighting. That would involve a nuclear blow out once they had too much to drink, and I wasn't particularly interested in cleaning up the fallout. I had enough on my mind as it was.

Alice and Jasper walked in, heading in our direction. I couldn't tell if I was relieved or saddened by the fact that Edward wasn't with them. I waved as they got closer. Jasper smiled, heading toward the bar, while Alice gave me a small nod before moving to Rosalie's side. They started talking animatedly and pointing at the music catalog.

That was weird.

I sighed, moving to the pool cue rack on the wall. I lifted a stick, weighing it in my hand before putting it back and grabbing a different one. "Am I breaking, Em?" I asked, not bothering to turn around.

A different voice answered. "Does that mean you've learned how?"

I dropped the stick in shock. I spun on my heel, almost losing my balance in my hurry to confirm that it was actually him and not my imagination. Edward smiled, leaning over to pick up the fallen cue. He looked amazing in a pair of dark-wash jeans and a tight fitting black shirt.

"You came," I whispered, the words coming out of my mouth without my permission.

He raised an eyebrow at me, handing me back the stick. "What?"

"Nothing," I said quickly, feeling the blush come to my cheeks. I grabbed the cue tightly and looked at the floor. "I still can't break properly, but that doesn't stop me from trying."

I turned toward the end of the table to avoid his stare and tried to line up the break. I almost scratched the felt when I pushed the cue and my feeble attempt at a break barely moved the balls.

Emmett laughed loudly from behind me. "Good thing you play better than you break, Bells."

"Yeah, yeah," I mumbled, handing him the stick. "Laugh it up. We'll see who comes out on top tonight."

"That's what she said," he laughed again. I rolled my eyes, going back to leaning against the table.

Edward came to stand beside me as Alice and Rose made their way back to the group. I could hear the opening beats of _Won't Go Home Without You_ by Maroon 5 settle over the bar.

_I asked her to stay but she wouldn't listen  
She left before I had the chance to say  
Oh  
The words that would mend the things that were broken  
But now it's far too late, she's gone away_

"How's it going at the school?" he asked, staring out over the other tables.

I took a swallow of my beer, trying to ignore the lyrics. "Good," I replied. "They're giving me an honors English class next year."

He smiled, causing my pulse to race. "That's great. I'm really happy for you."

_It's not over tonight  
Just give me one more chance to make it right  
I may not make it through the night  
I won't go home without you_

"Thanks," I said weakly. I cleared my throat and took another gulp from the bottle in my hand. "And you? How's the hospital?"

"Amazing. I was really fortunate that they let me do my residency there."

"It helps when your dad is Carlisle Cullen."

He smirked, looking at me from the corner of his eye. "Yes, well, it also makes it much more difficult, trying to live up to his reputation."

_Every night you cry yourself to sleep  
Thinking, "Why does this happen to me?  
Why does every moment have to be so hard?"  
Hard to believe that_

"Bella," Rose said, surprising me by finally speaking. I looked over to see she was leaning over the table to make a shot. "Why didn't you bring Felix with you tonight?"

I felt Edward tense up next to me as I furrowed my brow. I watched as she hit the five-ball into a corner pocket. "I never bring him here. Why would've I tonight?" I reached out and took the cue from her, eyeing the balls to see if I had any shots, eagerly trying to ignore the sudden tension around our group.

_Of all the things I've felt but never really shown  
Perhaps the worst is that I ever let you go  
I should not ever let you go, oh oh oh_

She waited to speak until I was making my shot. "Well, I figured that, since he's your _boyfriend_ and all, you'd want to bring him along now."

This time I did scratch the felt, missing the cue ball completely. I looked up to see her staring at me. Everyone was watching us intently, except for Edward. He continued to look out over the bar, his jaw clenched tight.

I passed the stick to Emmett, staring at the hole I'd made in the fabric. "This is the time I spend with you guys . . ."

"Well," she sighed, sounding aggravated, "if he's going to be around for a while, I think we should probably get to know him better."

I finished my beer, trying to avoid their stares. "We haven't really been dating that long."

The song changed on the jukebox and Katy Perry's voice came through the speakers:

_Comparisons are easily done  
Once you've had a taste of perfection  
Like an apple hanging from a tree  
I picked the ripest one, I still got the seed_

"This isn't his type of scene, anyway, huh?" she replied. "I mean, he's probably more into the fancy bar thing, right? Being a lawyer and all, I doubt he's really into hanging at the local bar and playing pool with us small-town folk."

_'Cause when I'm with him I am thinking of you  
Thinking of you, what you would do_

"I—I don't know," I stammered. "I need another beer."

I pushed away from the table quickly, not wanting to give Rosalie the chance to ask another question. I was on the verge of hyperventilating by the time I reached the bar, waving the empty bottle at the bartender.

_He kissed my lips, I taste your mouth  
He pulled me in, I was disgusted with myself_

I put my hands over my ears, trying to block out the song. When I saw the fresh bottle set in front of me, I reached into my back pocket to grab my cash.

"I've got it," Edward said, suddenly appearing beside me and handing the bartender a ten. "I'll take one, too."

"Oh, Edward, you don't have to—"

He put up his hand to get me to stop. "Don't worry about it. I want to."

"Thank you," I whispered. I took a deep pull from the bottle, needing the reinforcement the alcohol provided.

We sat quietly for a few minutes, neither one of us wanting to speak first. I looked back at our friends, watching as Emmett spoke sternly to Rosalie. She shook her head, saying something in response. "What the fuck is going on tonight?" I muttered to myself.

"I have no idea," Edward replied.

I was relieved when the chords of _Closing Time_ by Semisonic started up from the jukebox. "I remember when you learned to play this song," I said to him.

_Closing time  
Open all the doors and let you out into the world  
Closing time  
Turn all of the lights on over every boy and every girl_

"It was one of your favorites," he said quietly.

"Have you learned anything new lately?" I turned to face him, hoping we could get past the strained energy that surrounded us.

"I haven't played in a long time," he replied, still watching our friends.

"What?" I asked, stunned. "What do you mean? You love to play!"

_I know who I want to take me home  
I know who I want to take me home  
I know who I want to take me home_

He pushed away from the bar, finally meeting my eyes. "It's not the same." He stepped forward, heading back to the pool table.

I stood in shock for a few minutes, watching as he started conversation with Jasper. I moved toward them, slowly going numb from all of the different thoughts and emotions whirling through my mind. I had almost made it back to the group when the familiar sounds of an electric guitar filled the bar.

I stopped in my tracks, my half-full beer bottle falling from my hands and crashing to the ground, liquid splashing my legs. I heard people cheering and clapping at the noise I'd made, but my eyes flew to Edward. He went rigid as the lyrics started.

_I never meant to cause you any sorrow  
I never meant to cause you any pain  
I only wanted one time to see you laughing  
I only wanted to see you laughing in the purple rain_

It was finally too much to deal with.

I felt the tears begin to fill my eyes. As he started to turn around, the only thought in my mind was that I had to get out of there as fast as I could. I flew to the door, shoving past it and into the misty night air. I ran around the corner of the building and stopped, putting my head against the faded clapboard siding. Tears spilled down my cheeks as my mind flooded with memories. I beat my palms against the building as sobs tore through my chest, trying to stop them from coming, but it was useless.

.:*:.

"_Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end," he sings, pressing the last few notes on the keyboard._

_I clap enthusiastically beside him on the bench. "Edward, that was wonderful! I can't believe you always do that."_

"_Do what?" he smiles innocently._

_I push his arm playfully. "Learn to play and sing to all my music."_

"_Well, I've got another one I think you'll love." He winks at me before going to grab his electric guitar. He plugs it into the amp, strumming a few chords to make sure it's tuned. "You ready?"_

"_Yes," I reply anxiously, biting my lip. I'm on the edge of my seat, waiting to see what he'll do._

_He sits on his stool as he starts to play and the familiar notes reach my ears. I gasp, "Edward!"_

_He grins, then starts the opening verse in a sultry voice. Honestly, I'm on the verge of swooning. He knows how much I love Prince._

_I get up as he gets to the chorus and he keeps singing as I dance, moving my hips slowly to the melody._

Purple rain, purple rain  
Purple rain, purple rain  
Purple rain, purple rain  
I only wanted to see you bathing in the purple rain

_He plays the whole song as I move around the room. When he finishes, I give one final twirl to the fading chords before collapsing to the floor in a fit of giggles._

_He puts the guitar back on its stand and moves to sit beside me on the floor. "Did you like it?"_

"_I loved it, Edward," I smile. "You're amazing, do you know that?"_

"_Only for you, love."_

.:*:.

I was crying so hard that I didn't hear the footsteps come up behind me. "Bella."

The way my name sounded coming from his mouth caused a strangled noise to escape my throat. "I'm sorry, Edward."

He didn't respond, just leaned next to me on the wall. I wanted nothing more than to feel his arms around me, for him to comfort me, but he made no move to do it.

I didn't deserve his pity.

He let me cry, staying silent as I tried to calm down. Finally, I looked up to see him watching me with cold, pained eyes. "It was never meant to be this way, Edward," I whispered.

"Really, Bella?" he replied, his voice completely void of emotion. "Exactly how was it supposed to be?"

"Not like this," I choked out. "You were supposed to be happy. You were supposed to move on and go on to better things. You weren't supposed to come back."

"I see," he said, his voice still empty. "I'm sorry I interfered with your progress."

"No!" I cried. "This has nothing to do with me. I didn't do this for me, I did it for you! You were meant for better things, Edward. I was only holding you back."

"That's bullshit and you know it."

"I could hear it in your voice when you'd call, Edward. You weren't happy. You were trapped with me out of loyalty, and I couldn't let you waste your life in Forks when you could go out and do amazing things."

"That wasn't your decision to make." His eyes narrowed. "But you're right about one thing: I _wasn't_ happy."

I gasped in pain, hearing his confirmation. "I knew it," I whispered, pressing my forehead against the building again.

He grabbed my shoulders and pulled me up to face him. "I wasn't happy because _I missed you_. I was _miserable_ because you were three thousand miles away from me! I was tired because I was busting my ass to get back to you, frustrated because I couldn't hold you every night like I had when we lived together in Seattle."

I just shook my head, refusing to believe the things he said. He gave me a little shake. "Don't think for _one_ _second_ that I felt trapped. You were my life, Bella, and everything I did was for the future that I _wanted_ with you."

"You'll change your mind," I said weakly. "You'll find someone else."

"Like you did?" he spat. I cringed in response. "I know love, Bella. True love. Nobody will ever be able to make me feel for them what I felt for you." He moved his hand to his hair, gripping painfully. "Only you, Bella. I'm a sucker for that feeling."

"It happens all the time, Edward," I said, no longer able to look him in the eye.

"Yet I always end up feeling cheated," he replied crossly. "Why can't you understand? Every day, every night, you were on my mind, love. I _needed_ you."

I closed my eyes and took a deep, shuddering breath. "Felix is just—"

"Oh, sorry," he sneered, "I know I'm not needed."

"That's not what I meant!" I cried. "You don't understand!"

"Damn it, Bella! We should have worked it out together. Instead you left me and wallowed, like this could have possibly hurt you more than it hurt me. I let them all believe that I was okay so you wouldn't look like the bad guy! My own family assumed that I deserted you instead of the other way around!"

The tears started to fall again. "I'm so sorry, Edward."

"Then admit the truth!" he yelled. "You got scared. Everybody gets scared, and that happens all the time, love. I understand. But that was no reason to run away. I promised you that I would never hurt you, Bella. Why didn't you just talk to me?"

I couldn't respond other than to cry harder.

* * *

A/N: Just one more chapter to go. Watch for it on Tuesday.

Link to the song is in my profile.


	3. Don't Throw It All Away

**Disclaimer:** Characters belong to Stephenie Meyer, lyrics to A Rocket To The Moon (even if I give credit for the song to someone else). :)

* * *

**Chapter 3 – Don't Throw It All Away**

I ached to hold her, to make it better. But she didn't want my touch. She didn't want me anymore.

She shook her head, her eyes wet and pleading. "Can't we at least be friends like we used to be?"

"We were never friends, Bella." The look of pain that crossed her face almost brought me to my knees, but I had to say it. "Even that first day, when you walked into biology junior year and sat next to me, my heart belonged to you. I can't pretend to be something we never were, and I won't sit back and watch another man take my place in your life.

"You were my whole world, Bella, and I wanted you forever. But apparently that wasn't what you wanted."

She fell back to the wall when I let her go, sliding down and cradling her knees to her chest. She said nothing, but shook her head again.

I couldn't stop the tear that slid down my cheek. "I guess that's my answer. If I'd known that you didn't really mean it when you said 'forever,' when you told me that we 'belong together,' maybe this wouldn't have hurt so badly."

I knelt down in front her so I could look her in the eye, touching her cheek. "Tell me, Bella, will he love you like I loved you?"

"Edward!" she sobbed, putting her hand over mine. "Please."

"He won't." I kissed her forehead. "Goodbye." I stood up to go.

"Please, don't do this, Edward," she pleaded.

"I didn't," I said. "This was your choice, Bella. You made the choice for us." With one last look I walked away.

Her sobs grew louder as I turned the corner of the building. Alice was waiting there, bottom lip trembling. "Go, Alice," I whispered. "She shouldn't be alone."

"I'm sorry, Edward." I watched as a tear escaped her eye. "We thought that playing the music would make her remember, help her see how it was supposed to be."

I hugged my sister. "It's okay, Alice. If we hadn't gotten it out tonight it would have just dragged on until someone exploded."

"I love you," she said, squeezing me harder.

"I love you, too. Now go. She needs you more than I do right now."

She nodded, pulling away. She took a deep breath and wiped away the errant tears. Squaring her shoulders, she turned the corner and out of view.

I could still hear Bella crying as I walked to my car. The sound haunted me as I drove back to my parents' house. It rang in my ears as I grabbed my journal from my room, as I walked downstairs to the basement.

It carried the rhythm as I played my guitar.

.:*:.

My heart picked up when I heard the footsteps. _He came back!_

I looked up and saw Alice kneeling down to sit beside me, causing a fresh round of tears to start. She held out her arms and I fell into them. "I'm so sorry!"

"I'm not the person you should be apologizing to, Bella."

I shook my head into her neck. "I tried, he wouldn't listen."

"Of course he didn't. He doesn't believe you."

"But why? Why wouldn't he believe me?"

"Because you broke his heart." She pushed my shoulders back so she could look me in the eyes. "He sent me here to console you, Bella. I wanted to be there for him, but he sent me to you because he thought you needed me more."

I tried to look away but she took my chin in her hand and pulled my face toward her. "I love you. You've been like a sister all these years, but he _is_ my brother. You decided this fate. You're allowed to hurt, but you're not allowed to be the victim here."

"I didn't want to hurt him," I mumbled.

"What did you expect to happen?" When I didn't answer she asked again. "Bella, what _did_ you want? Were you lying when you told him that you wanted forever?"

"No!" I yelled. "No! I wasn't lying. I wanted forever!"

"Then why did you do it, Bella?"

"Because he deserved better! Because he was meant for more than me, more than us, more than Forks!"

She sighed. "Don't you think that he should've had a say in that, as well?"

"He wouldn't have listened. He would have just come back and been miserable and one day decided he'd had enough." I gasped for breath. "He would have realized that I wasn't worth it."

She pulled me back into her arms, rocking me back and forth as I cried. "You're such a fucking idiot," she whispered, but not harshly. "That boy has never done anything but love you. He'll never do anything else."

"He doesn't love me anymore."

"I beg to differ."

"I'm not worth it."

"He seems to think so," she said. "Is this what you really want, Bells? To pine after Edward for the rest of your life while pretending with someone else?"

"No," I breathed.

"What do you really want?"

"I want forever." I leaned back and looked her in the eyes. "But not if it means that it'll ruin his life."

"I hate to break it to you, Bells, but you already have," she snapped, causing me to pull away. "Coming back here was a decision you made together. There were no compromises. He didn't agree to come back to Forks to make you happy. He did it to _be_ happy."

I sat in silence, unable to respond her.

When she realized I wouldn't say anything, she sighed. "You have two choices, Bella. All or nothing. Either you can be with him and be happy and get your Happily Ever After, or you can walk away, stop torturing him, and be unfulfilled for the rest of your life."

I wanted to give in, I really did. "I just want him to be happy."

"I promise you, Bella, he's never going to be happy without you."

I closed my eyes, dropping my head back against the wall. "He'll never trust me again, Alice."

"We'll see what we can do about him later." She stood up, pulling me with her. "But you need to decide what you really want, and there's some things you need to do before you can even think about deserving him again."

I nodded. "I know."

"Come on," she said, putting her arm around my waist as she led me to the parking lot. "Let's start by getting you home."

.:*:.

I jumped when I heard the phone ring. I rushed to the kitchen and grabbed my cell from the counter.

_Felix._

I groaned and pressed the End button to ignore the call. I slouched onto the barstool and beat my head on the counter a few times for good measure.

The boy just wouldn't give up.

It had been a week since my breakdown with Edward outside the bar. Six days since I'd called Felix and told him it was over. He'd tried sweet talk, bribery, and just plain begging, all in vain. My heart belonged to someone else.

And still no word from Edward. He'd kept his word and walked out of my life.

I'd spent the whole week trying to figure out ways to apologize, some grand gesture that would prove to him that he was still the most important thing in my life. I was trying not to think of how painful it would be when he told me it was too little, too late.

So there I sat in my kitchen on a Saturday night, slowly working my way toward a concussion. I was still in my sweats, officially boycotting our regularly scheduled outing. Of course, Alice had other plans.

"We're going out," she informed me after almost beating down my door. She pushed past me and into the apartment, make-up bag in hand.

"Is he going to be at the bar?" I asked, falling back onto my barstool. I wasn't ready to face him.

"We're not going to our usual bar tonight," she said. "We're going to see some live music in Port Angeles."

I groaned. "Why would I want to do that?"

"Because you're not accomplishing anything by staying here and not showering. Now go. We only have so much time before the others will be here."

"Who are 'the others'?" I asked as she pushed me toward my bedroom.

"Em, Rose and Jazz, of course. They'll be here in thirty minutes and you haven't even bathed. Let's go."

I sighed and reluctantly walked to my bathroom, both sad and thankful that Edward wouldn't be coming with us.

Thirty-two minutes later I was primped and ready to go. Alice had insisted on doing my hair and makeup. "It'll make you feel better," she'd said, so I let her go to town. I even let her force me into a black cocktail dress and sling-back heels, though I didn't see an occasion for them.

We rode in Emmett's jeep so that we'd all fit. Rosalie hadn't said much to me since that night at the bar and remained silent for the trip. Emmett had a ridiculous grin on his face the whole ride, apparently excited to get out of Forks for a night. Jasper was his usual calm self. Alice sat between us, bouncing on the seat.

"Who, exactly, are we going to see?" I asked.

"It's an open mic night, Bells," Jasper explained. "There's going to be quite a few performers."

"Awesome," I replied sarcastically. "We get to listen to a bunch of nobodies that think they have talent when they actually really suck."

"Don't be so negative!" Alice yelled, slapping my arm. "We could hear somebody before they make it big!"

"You keep thinking that, Al," I replied, rolling my eyes.

We parked on a side street and walked the few blocks to the club. The place was pretty packed, but Alice managed to score us a table near the stage. We ordered drinks and settled in for the first act.

The girl that started out the evening wasn't that bad, even if she was trying too hard to sound like an early Jewel. The guy after her was trying an acoustic set of Jamiroquai and failing miserably.

After two hours, five sets, and three drinks, I was ready to call it a night. "I appreciate the change in programming tonight, you guys, but I've had enough. Can we head home?"

"Quit bitching, Swan," Rose said, her first words to me of the evening. "It's not always about you, you realize?"

"Jesus, Rose, I get it," I said, moving my chair further away from her side of the table. "Sorry for getting your panties in a twist."

She glared at me before turning her attention back to the stage.

_I really am a selfish bitch._

"Another half hour, Bella," Alice said, trying to calm the situation. "There's only one more act left and then we'll get out of here. Why don't you move over here so we can get you out of biting range of Rose?"

I eyed Rosalie, watching as she raised her eyebrow in challenge. "Maybe that's a good idea," I said, moving to the empty chair closest to the stage.

Some guys in black shirts and jeans came out and set up a screen and projector. I looked at Alice quizzically, but she just shrugged and turned to say something to Jasper. I flagged down the waitress for another cocktail.

I had a fresh drink in hand when the MC came out to the mic and cleared his throat. "All right, you guys, you've been a great crowd so far. This is the last act of the night. Please give a warm welcome to our final performer, Edward Cullen."

I did an honest to God spit-take, showering the floor with soda and flavored vodka. I turned to look at Alice, only to see her grinning and holding a small remote in her hand, pointing it at the stage. She pressed a button and suddenly a picture of Edward and me at seventeen years old popped up on the screen.

I gasped as my heart sped dangerously in my chest. Edward walked out on the stage with his acoustic guitar in hand, dressed in grey slacks and a black shirt. He leaned over to grab the cord for the amp, not even looking in our direction.

I turned to look at the rest of my table, only to see them all watching me, even Rose. "I lied," she said nonchalantly. "Maybe it is about you."

I choked-laughed, still not quite sure what was happening. I heard Edward clear his throat and I looked back at the stage.

"Good evening," he said, staring straight out into the crowd. "I'm only going to play one song tonight. It's called _Like We Used To_." Then he looked directly at me. "Enjoy."

The crowd clapped as the picture changed to a candid of Edward and me, asleep in bed. My head lay on his chest, his hand wrapped up in my hair. The white cotton sheets were pulled up around my shoulders but his chest was mostly exposed. A few whistles came from the crowd, but I barely noticed. A tear trickled down my cheek as he strummed the first few notes of the song.

_I can feel her breath as she's sleeping next to me  
Sharing pillows and cold feet  
She can feel my heart  
Fell asleep to its beat  
Under blankets and warm sheets  
If only I could be in that bed again  
If only it were me instead of him_

The picture changed to one of us on the couch in our old apartment. I'm leaning into his chest, tears evident on my cheek as I watch the TV.

_Does he watch your favorite movies?  
Does he hold you when you cry?  
Does he let you tell him all your favorite parts  
when you've seen it a million times?  
Does he sing to all your music  
while you dance to Purple Rain?  
Does he do all these things?  
Like I used to_

The next picture was of us in my old truck, parked in front of my father's house.

_Fourteen months and seven days ago  
Oh, I know you know how we felt about that night  
Just your skin against the window  
Oh, we took it slow  
And we both know  
It should have been me inside that car  
It should have been me instead of him  
In the dark_

The tears were falling freely. Listening to him sing about us, about our life together, taking actual words from my mouth and doing it in such a heartbreaking way was slowly tearing me apart. I watched as Alice clicked the button again and the screen showed Edward's basement, him behind his keyboard and me mid-twirl.

_Does he watch your favorite movies?  
Does he hold you when you cry?  
Does he let you tell him all your favorite parts  
when you've seen it a million times?  
Does he sing to all your music  
while you dance to Purple Rain?  
Does he do all these things?  
Like I used to_

A quick series of pictures starts with the next verse, random shots from high school and college, only of the two of us.

_I know love  
I'm a sucker for that feeling  
Happens all the time, love  
I always end up feeling cheated  
You're on my mind, love  
Sorry, I know I'm not needed  
And that happens all the time, love, yeah_

The words from our argument last week knock the wind out of me. Had it cut him that deep? Had I caused that much damage?

The slideshow halts on one final picture. We're standing in the living room in Seattle. His hands are on each side of my face, fingers inched into my hair. I'm looking up into his eyes, and the look of adoration on his face makes my heart stutter in my chest.

I looked up to the stage to meet his eyes. He held my gaze as he continued to sing.

_Will he love you like I loved you?__  
Will he tell you everyday?  
Will he make you feel like you're invincible with every word he'll say?  
Can you promise me if this was right?  
Don't throw it all away  
Can you do all these things?  
Will you do all these things?  
Like we used to  
Oh, like we used to_

The music slowly gave away to applause and I hopped out of my seat before I knew it. He'd already set aside his guitar and jumped down from the stage before I could reach it, immediately gathering me in his arms as I ran full force into him.

.:*:.

"Forgive me, Edward," she mumbled into my shoulder. "Please forgive me."

I pulled back and looked her in the eye. "Tell me, Bella." _Just say those words and everything will be okay_.

"I love you, Edward. I never stopped, and I'll do everything it takes to make you love me again."

"What about _him_?" I asked, afraid of the answer.

"Gone. He never even mattered." She put a hand on my chest. "I couldn't have ever loved him. Not like I love you."

I put my hands to her cheeks and smiled. "I've always loved you, Bella. Even when I thought you didn't want me anymore. I will never stop loving you." I ran a hand through her hair.

"Forever?" she whispered, her voice filled with both hope and fear.

"Forever," I breathed, meeting her lips with my own.

* * *

**A/N:** Yeah, it's pretty fluffy, but it does the job. :) I originally intended this to be a completely different story, but the writing had a mind of its own.

Thanks to those of you who reviewed. I should have a new, longer fic started in the next few weeks, so if you're interested, put me on alert.

As always, link to the song is in my profile.

-C


End file.
